This Draft Has Upset Me Greatly

Trill Withers 6/8/2020 5:08 PM

There's a lot going on in the first round. Some of which upsets me greatly. I wanted to go to the article first to make sure I had the proper guidelines for my rage:

Every current NFL player is available, and salary caps don't matter here. But we only drafted four rounds.
In those four picks, each pretend GM had to select a quarterback, a non-QB offensive player and a defensive player. The fourth pick was a wild card, open to anything.
We used the 2020 NFL draft order, with traded picks reversed, and a snaking format.
What about the other 20 starters for each team? The rest of the roster is made up of average-level NFL talent. Our analytics team identifies that as someone such as OT Donovan Smith, edge rusher Harold Landry III or CB Malcolm Butler.
Each GM was asked to draft with intentions of winning a Super Bowl within five years. Some took a harder line, while others built a base that might still need a year or two.

The last bullet point is the one I was really looking for. I needed to know the goals here before I reacted. Now I know and thus I am ready to react.

I have no problem with any of the first seven picks, but I refuse to believe that 41-year-old Drew Brees would be the eighth player picked here. I will not believe it. If you want an aging quarterback but one that can potentially win now, Brady or Rodgers feel like better options. If you're trying to maximize all five years of the window, a younger guy like Kyler makes more sense. If you want a bit of both, Stafford or Matt Ryan feel like better picks. Hell, Kirk Cousins lasted till the third round of this very draft and he just went into New Orleans and walked out with a win.

Other things that piss me off in this hypothetical draft that should affect my mood in no way:

A running back in the first round? Are you kidding me???
Nothing against each of these gentlemen but with your choice of anybody in the league, teams would pick Drew Lock, Teddy Bridgewater, Jimmy Garropolo, and Ryan Tannehill in the first round? Over anybody?? You don't want an All-Pro offensive lineman or pass rusher? You want three guys that started last year on the bench?
Cam Newton being the 36th pick in this draft while he doesn't have a job in real life is rich.
AJ Green went 72nd in this draft. I love him dearly but he hasn't played a game since December 2018. He went ahead of CeeDee Lamb, Jerry Jeudy, Amari Cooper, and Kenny Golladay. He hasn't played in two years but now I trust him for the next five?
I'm sure Adam Teicher is a good journalist and an even better person but my word, in a fantasy draft he came away with a team that might go 5-11:

Myles Garrett had 10 sacks in 10 games before Assault-gate and he made it to the second round. If I can be assured he's done bonking opposing quarterbacks on the head, there's no way he makes it past the top 20. Even if I'm guaranteed that he has at least one more bonking in him, I still take him in the first round.
20 quarterbacks went in the first round. One offensive lineman went in the first round. Interesting. I get wanting to get your signal caller but once you see you aren't getting one of the elite guys, it feels like the move would be to protect them as much as possible.
Chicago going from Trubisky to Garoppolo is cruel.
Justin Tucker is the most accurate kicker in history. I would not take him over a number of All-Pro players at other positions that went after him here (Tyrann Mathieu, Zack Martin).

It only feels fair to list the team I would have drafted after picking apart everyone else's. I asked the internet for a random number between 1 and 32 because there is a website for everything. Sure enough there is and this was the first roll I got. Honor system activated:

Fuck smh.

Ok, no sweat.

1-21: Matthew Stafford, QB

What a horrible draw #21 is. A less honest man would have ran this multiple times to get a better pick. As is, I'll go with Stafford. I was tempted to roll the dice with Tua, but in five years Stafford will just be turning 37 (aka four years younger than Brees is right now). Before missing the second half of the season due to injury, Matty Staff was on his way to a career year (which is impressive for a guy with a 5k/40 TD season already on the resume). The Lions blew a lead in nearly every single game last year so I need to keep Stafford upright and get him some help.

2-44 Chandler Jones, DE

My toughest call. I was set to go with best OL no matter what here but the elite tackles are gone. This left me to choose between Tyron Smith or Laremy Tunsil but it felt a little high for them. And the exercise gives you average production from the positions you don't pick so I'll cope with an average OL to bolster my pass rush. Give me the guy that has 60 sacks, 67 TFLs and 11 forced fumbles in his four years in Arizona. He's 30 but he also hasn't missed a game in over four years so I trust him for the length of my window.

3-85 Jamal Adams, S

I can't believe he's still available. When I saw his name listed, I had to make sure it wasn't a doppelganger case like seeing "RB Adrian Peterson" a while ago and it not being Vikings Peterson. Nope, it was the 24-year-old guy fresh off two All-Pro appearances. I'll take him. Jones generating pressure on the frontend and Adams cleaning up on the backend.

4-108 Zack Martin, G

I was all set to get Stafford a receiver here but not when there's a future Hall-of-Fame offensive lineman available. Martin is coming off six straight All-Pro seasons and has seemed to pick up any "slack" that came from Travis Frederick/Tyron Smith battling illness/injury. Give me him.

Feeling pretty good about my team and at the very least, we're embarrassing Teicher's Chiefs team.

What upset you from the original list?